Teaching kindness to children-how much is too much?

Teaching values like kindness to children is the prime responsibility of parents and every time a child swears or lashes out, the parents are met with a disapproving look from all ‘well-wishers’ around. I agree that children learn the most at home, from their parents and we must act as role models for them. After all, they are the future, of the country, of the world. We must teach them politeness, kindness, honesty……but what if the child imbibes the teachings so strongly that she becomes too good for her own good? How would you react to that? As a parent, what do you feel is your greater responsibility- to teach your child to be kind or to teach your child to be worldly wise?

Parenting is tough and there are never absolute rights and wrongs. Thanks to this, we are always judged as parents and our parenting style, no matter what, is questioned. To this I always say-To each, his own! And to the question I asked earlier, I would say- I don’t want my child to be too good for her own good! You are welcome to disagree but this is why I say what I say.

I have seen some adults around me thrive on the notion of altruism and inability to say no, so much so that the consequence of being treated as a doormat does not appear evident to them. I do not wish my child to grow up to be a doormat for others. Being kind is good but being kind to your own self is just as important.

I want her to be polite to those around her, younger or older but that should not amount to listening to abuses and not responding.

I want her to share her meal with her friend but if she gives away her lunch to her friend everyday and stays hungry herself, I need to tell her it is not okay.

I want her to wish guests coming over to our place, but the inability to say NO of out of fear of being rude should not force her to give a hug to someone she does not feel comfortable with.

I want her to learn sharing toys with her friends and cousins but she should not let an unruly 4 year old guest batter her favourite teddy bear to pieces and then cry over it later.

I want her to respect authority and be an obedient student but if the teacher says something she believes to be wrong, I would want her to stand her ground and say what is right!

I want her to know that it is okay to help others even it sometimes costs her her convenience but I don’t want her to believe that she must do it as she feels it is the only right thing to do.

I want her to do all this because I want her to grow up into a kind, independent and strong woman. She should be able to know that she and her choices matter, now and always, even if they inconvenience others’ beliefs and thoughts. She should be kind enough to help her friends when they need her but she should also be strong enough to not give in to their choices which she deems incorrect. This can happen only if she knows that saying NO is not being rude or unkind!
A person who is too kind and does not ever say NO ends up being taken for granted for life. It is easy to get things done from such a person who believes altruism is the only way of life and would rather inconvenience himself/herself than undergo the guilt of saying NO.

Moreover, kindness does not always mean trying to sort out other people’s problems, sometimes it can just mean lending a patient, listening ear.

Girls need to be taught the balance better because women have been made to believe since centuries that they are the ultimate epitome of sacrifice and it is but natural to place the family’s needs before their own, leading to self neglect. It is changing now and I strongly believe it should! I want her to understand that self care is not selfish and kindness and self love can be practised simultaneously.

I know that it all sounds too difficult. I don’t say it is easy but it is not so tough too. I am trying to raise a daughter who I hope grows up to be a considerate yet strong willed young woman….but then who ever said parenting is easy? It does not mean you should not set up good targets!